Tough Questions

One of my closest friends had to put the family dog to sleep recently. We were going to go visit them and I didn't want Annessa to ask about Dutch, the dog, so I told her that Dutch was in Heaven (even though I'm not entirely sure that dogs go to Heaven - this has been a on-going conversation in my marriage. Rich firmly believes Heaven wouldn't be the same without Gus...). Anyway, after explaining that Dutch wouldn't be at Kathy's house, he would be in Heaven, I got my first tough question as a mom:

Annessa: Mom? Where is Heaven?

I thought back to 6th grade when we were studying outer space. I had asked my mom that same question. Her answer? "That's a great question for your teacher!" Since the only teacher Annessa has right now is an imaginary one Mrs. Puff (who I think is actually SpongeBob's teacher), I decided to take a stab at it...

Me: Ummm... Heaven is in the sky.

Annessa looked at me (satisfied with the answer). I, however, was not satisfied. Should I have said Heaven is in your heart? Heaven is.....I'm not sure how you explain the place that God created for us to a two-year-old?

Annessa: Mama? Is Jesus in Heaven with Dutch?

Me: Yes! Yes he is!

Annessa: (looking out the window) Mama, Jesus made the moon.

Me: Yes! Yes he did!

Where did she get that? Church? I volunteer in her room at church and I am pretty sure that concept has not come up. Could it be that my two-year-old can see God in a more pure, more simple way than I?

I love my life

There are moments in life that you just know are special. Moments that you soak up and want to store in your mind's video vault.

I had one of those moments Friday night.

Annessa was in her princess dress (a marketing scheme for girls I swore I wouldn't get pulled in to) and Rich and I were deep in conversation (okay - I was doing laundry and he was messing with his ipod). Hall and Oats's "Rich Girl" poured out of the speakers while Annessa twirled in circles. "Mama - dance" she said. I don't know what came over me, but I went into my closet, grabbed a sundress I got in NYC with the girls, and slipped it on over my RVMS red sweatshirt. Rich gave me a "what-the-heck-are-you-doing" look as I walked into the family room.

Annessa's eyes lit up and her dimples flashed. "Mama - you have a dress on too!" We twirled to the music that Rich played.

I laughed. She laughed.

I kicked my feet. She kicked her feet.

I clapped my hands. She clapped her hands.

Rich played some Bone Thugs and Harmony (I haven't heard them since high school!) and I wondered if life gets any better than this? I used to think that high school was the best time of my life. Then came college and I knew this had to be it. But dancing in the living room with my daughter while my husband d.j.s? Now surely life doesn't get any sweeter.

The Naked Truth

Annessa has a bad, bad, habit of taking off her clothes when she's in bed (she's 2 people - get your mind out of the gutter!). Last night I came upstairs from doing the laundry and I hear her tiny voice coming from her room. I looked at the clock. 9:30. Not Good. I saw a sliver of light sneaking out from underneath the door. Really Not Good.

"Annessa - what are you doing?" I said to my child who, did I mention is completely naked (including her diaper, which, of course, sent me into a panic attack).

"Mama," she said with a scowl on her face, acting like this whole situation was completely normal, "Elmo's SLEEPING. SHHHH."

Sure enough - there was Elmo tucked into her bed. His head on the pillow and his red fur peaking out from under the covers.

"A - Where are your jammas? and B - YOU are the one that is supposed to be sleeping."

"But mama - I not tired. Elmo is tired."

This IS a phase, right??

Friendli-NESS

Annessa is the most friendly person I know. Today we were in line at our church's "Streets of Bethlehem," and she struck up a conversation with another little girl who was about 2 years older than Annessa:

Annessa: Hi girl!

Girl: Hi?

Annessa: I got seven (showing her the gold coins we were given to pay "Cesar."

Girl: No, you have two.

Annessa: I have seven.

Girl: (being very patient) No. You have 2 coins. I have six.

Annessa: Here Girl (giving her coins to the girl). I go see Jesus. You go see Jesus, Girl?

Girl: Yep - you can keep your coins. I have enough.

It is so fascinating to me to watch her have "conversations" with other people. To think that she can actually communicate with people is so amazing to me. Wasn't it just yesterday that she was saying her first word?

And, p.s., how cool is it that these too little girls were so unselfish - Annessa wanting to share her gold coins, and the little girl realizing she had enough. It's the little things that remind us what Christams is all about.

Waiting

Can there be joy while you're waiting?

Rich and I have been trying to have another baby for some time now. It is turning out to be more difficult than the first time (and the first time wasn't a walk in the park). In fact, we were just told that the next step is to do an IUI. The lining of my uterus is low, very low. They are telling me that the egg is probably getting fertilized each month, but either is unable to implant, or it implants, and then miscarries (all the while I think I'm getting a late "visit" from "Aunt Flow"). For a person who believes that live happens at the time of conception, that was tough news to swallow.

Long story short, we need to take this month "off" - no drugs, no shots, no ultrasounds, no nothing. Just wait. Wait to try again, wait to pee on a stick (or ten), wait to see if there is one line or two....wait. Do I even know how to step back into the "normal" world right now when I am so used to going through these "mini-grieving" cycles each month?

Yesterday I was so disappointed - it starts to become a quest in a way. And I was told by the powers-that-be that my body needed a rest. My head was screaming no, but in my heart, I knew it was for the best.

So, now I will wait. But while I wait, I will be focusing on the two people I love most in this world - Rich and Annessa. How can I be sad during my baby's first Christams (okay, so it's technically her third Christmas, but this one she actually knows what Santa says and she knows about baby Jesus). How can I be sad when this is the month that marks the Biggest Gift I have ever received? How can I be sad when Rich is so excited to give me the present we swore we we not doing this year?

No, saddness is out - joy is in. And someday, I will look back on this and it will all make sense.

Writing

So, a big part of my life is spent teaching kids how to write. Teaching them to write with authority and voice, style, and skill. Teaching them that their words matter. You can imagine my excitement when Annessa "wrote" her first words last night.

As a matter of fact, I don't know which I was more excited about: Annessa's first SPOKEN word or her first WRITTEN word.

Here's how it went down:

A: Mama, I write (takes the marker that is laying on the counter and grips it with her fingers)
Me: Okay, what are you going to write? A story?
A: fabet (alphabet) A....B....C... (making distinct lines for each letter)
Me: holding my breath
A: Mama....Daddy....(making more lines)
Me: Wow, that is so smart of you! You're writing letters and words. Should we write some more? How about Gus?
A: I all done (drops the marker and trots off to her toy box)

Quiet

(Pictures from Little Farmer)

It's funny how much life changes after you are a parent. It's not like life was boring or unfulfilling before. I loved life. Just Rich and I, hanging out, going out to dinner (having a few drinks at the bar before our meal, cuz what the heck? We got all night...). Reading a great book on a Saturday. Spending extra time at work, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. In fact, I remember being so happy that a tiny part of me was afraid to become a mom. I wondered if I was too selfish to hack it.

I'm thinking about life before motherhood tonight only because I am home alone. No husband. No kid. Just me. Just me and the Quiet. I realize now that Rich and I can still have a few glasses of wine (now it's just after our carry-out dinner) I can still read whenever I want (our favorite characters are Dora and Boots). And now I make use of every minute at work so I can hurry home to my little girl.

I think God has me all alone for a reason this weekend. Sure, I got my hair done, I'll grocery shop in peace tomorrow, and I'll spend a night out with the girls, but I can hear Him whispering in my ear. I know when they come back on Sunday, the toys will resume their normal positions on my carpet, the news will be switched to cartoons, and I will have to hide the Halloween candy I've been munching on unless I want a sugar-high toddler/monster on my hands. I will miss the quiet. But I will love the noise more.

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Last night Rich brought Annessa into bed with us. She had been sound asleep in her room and he scooped her out of her bed and carefully laid down our sleeping girl. I snuggled close and could smell the fresh scent of baby lotion. Her little foot fit perfectly in my hand. Her soft snores filled my ears as I thought about how everything that really mattered in my life was in this bed.

(Little did I know that an hour later, Rich put her back into her own bed. Apparently, she was kicking and twisting and MOVING and kicking and MOVING so much that Rich couldn't stand it anymore. Ahh....the dreamy benefits of being a sound sleeper...)