"Go ahead - buy that - you can totally afford it."
"I will train for that half marathon....Just as soon as the weather gets nice."
"I'm a really great cook....When I cook."
"I will finish that scrapbook BEFORE the baby turns one."
And, my personal favorite: "I could NEVER be a stay-at-home-mom. I just don't know HOW they do it!"
Yep - I'm pretty sure that the last one was a big fat lie I kept repeating over and over until I *mostly* believed it. If I convinced myself that I was one of those superhuman moms who could do it all - a career, a family, and a social life all without shortchanging anything, then I felt better about leaving my kid(s) with someone else all day.
But now, if I am brutally honest with myself, I know that I was making myself believe a lie. Because in fact, I COULD be a stay-at-home-mom. The last three months of my life were the happiest months I've ever had. I felt more.....connected....to myself and everyone around me and to God. Each day I drank in the wonders of my kids. I fell in love with them all throughout the day.
For me, going back to work has made me put up a barrier between me and my kids. Isn't that awful? It's the only way I can do it right now. I tell myself things like, "Millions of moms do this everyday - suck it up. No crying. Heart of steel," and all that jazz.
I know that by working, I am making a difference too - my girls will see a woman with a career that she loves. They will know the importance of education and determination. They will see me as a person outside the home.
Thank God I love my job. I love the kids, my school, my co-workers. I am happy when I am teaching. I really am. And thank God for our sitter who is amazing. But it's when I stop to look at the clock and realize it's nap time and wonder if Elaina is being rocked to sleep right now that my heart hurts. Or that it's 11:15 and Annessa is getting off the bus telling someone that is not me about her day at school.
Being a mom is hard - I don't care if you're a mom who works outside of the home or a S.A.H.M. - we all have to make choices about how to raise our kids, and sometimes those choices are not as clear-cut as we would like.
Anyway -- it's Sunday night and I have a lunch to pack and papers to grade. And a beautiful little girl that is stirring quietly about to wake up and another little girl who needs some snuggle time.
"I will train for that half marathon....Just as soon as the weather gets nice."
"I'm a really great cook....When I cook."
"I will finish that scrapbook BEFORE the baby turns one."
And, my personal favorite: "I could NEVER be a stay-at-home-mom. I just don't know HOW they do it!"
Yep - I'm pretty sure that the last one was a big fat lie I kept repeating over and over until I *mostly* believed it. If I convinced myself that I was one of those superhuman moms who could do it all - a career, a family, and a social life all without shortchanging anything, then I felt better about leaving my kid(s) with someone else all day.
But now, if I am brutally honest with myself, I know that I was making myself believe a lie. Because in fact, I COULD be a stay-at-home-mom. The last three months of my life were the happiest months I've ever had. I felt more.....connected....to myself and everyone around me and to God. Each day I drank in the wonders of my kids. I fell in love with them all throughout the day.
For me, going back to work has made me put up a barrier between me and my kids. Isn't that awful? It's the only way I can do it right now. I tell myself things like, "Millions of moms do this everyday - suck it up. No crying. Heart of steel," and all that jazz.
I know that by working, I am making a difference too - my girls will see a woman with a career that she loves. They will know the importance of education and determination. They will see me as a person outside the home.
Thank God I love my job. I love the kids, my school, my co-workers. I am happy when I am teaching. I really am. And thank God for our sitter who is amazing. But it's when I stop to look at the clock and realize it's nap time and wonder if Elaina is being rocked to sleep right now that my heart hurts. Or that it's 11:15 and Annessa is getting off the bus telling someone that is not me about her day at school.
Being a mom is hard - I don't care if you're a mom who works outside of the home or a S.A.H.M. - we all have to make choices about how to raise our kids, and sometimes those choices are not as clear-cut as we would like.
Anyway -- it's Sunday night and I have a lunch to pack and papers to grade. And a beautiful little girl that is stirring quietly about to wake up and another little girl who needs some snuggle time.
