For the last year, I have been struggling with Why. "Why weren't you there? Why didn't you make the truck come one minute sooner? Why did that 4-wheeler park there? Why? What is this all for?"
And then there's this doozey: "Where were you?"
I felt a separation from God because, if I'm just honest for a minute, I was really angry. Seeing Rich struggle to walk, the pain in his eyes....It killed me bit-by-bit. For the first time in my life, I questioned God. I mean REALLY questioned Him. Why DO bad things happen to good people? Really? Are you there God? It's me, Autumn.... And on and on it went.
Then, thanks to a good friend, I read the book of Job.
The fact of the matter is this: There's a battle going on right now that no one wants to talk about, but we all know it's there. It's the battle for our souls. God wanted His children to choose Him (versus making drone-like people that already love and worship him because, really, how flattering would that be?) So, he gave Adam and Eve free-will. Along with that beautiful thing, comes the flip side - The evil that happens when a human chooses to ignore God. So, whether we like to acknowledge it or not, there IS a battle going on here between God and Satan.
After all, this isn't Heaven yet.
So, why do bad things happen? I believe it's because we are in the middle of a spiritual war. Every single day, the Devil is trying to win us over to his side while God is trying to protect our souls.
So, here is a little bit of the conversation I imagine took place between God and Satan minutes before the accident:
S: Okay God, it's time. Time for some pain. I feel a really big one coming on. Something that is really going to shake people to the core. How about them? (Satan points to us) I bet I can get them on my team. There is no way they are going to make it through this still believing in your Goodness. They will cave when the pain gets to be unbearable.
G: (Shaking His head) If you must, then I will allow this to happen to them. They will not come over to you. I can promise you that.
S: Wanna bet? This is going to be bad, really bad!
G: (Knowing the pain that Satan is able to inflict) I'm sure it will be, but I know them - they are my children and they are strong. I know they will not falter.
S: Alright then (smiles, rubbing his hands together in a sinister way).
Then, I picture God with tears streaming down His face, watching as the truck pinned Rich onto the tailgate of Dan's truck. Watching the blood stream out of him. Watching the chaos that happened on the road that night.
I picture God bringing His angels and the chariots fighting to keep Rich alive while the Devil smiles down at his masterpiece. I picture God sending the helicopter, I picture him getting the E.R. ready - whispering a pep talk to the doctors and nurses. I picture His hands guiding their hands. I picture His hands on Rich's chest, keeping his heart beating.
I picture Him breathing life into my husband.
So now, when I ask God, "Where were you?" I know that He was there with His chariots and angels fighting and fighting and fighting. And when I think, "But you must have lost the battle then?"
He says, "No, no I didn't. We lost Rich's legs, yes, but I fought for your souls. And I won."
And then there's this doozey: "Where were you?"
I felt a separation from God because, if I'm just honest for a minute, I was really angry. Seeing Rich struggle to walk, the pain in his eyes....It killed me bit-by-bit. For the first time in my life, I questioned God. I mean REALLY questioned Him. Why DO bad things happen to good people? Really? Are you there God? It's me, Autumn.... And on and on it went.
Then, thanks to a good friend, I read the book of Job.
The fact of the matter is this: There's a battle going on right now that no one wants to talk about, but we all know it's there. It's the battle for our souls. God wanted His children to choose Him (versus making drone-like people that already love and worship him because, really, how flattering would that be?) So, he gave Adam and Eve free-will. Along with that beautiful thing, comes the flip side - The evil that happens when a human chooses to ignore God. So, whether we like to acknowledge it or not, there IS a battle going on here between God and Satan.
After all, this isn't Heaven yet.
So, why do bad things happen? I believe it's because we are in the middle of a spiritual war. Every single day, the Devil is trying to win us over to his side while God is trying to protect our souls.
So, here is a little bit of the conversation I imagine took place between God and Satan minutes before the accident:
S: Okay God, it's time. Time for some pain. I feel a really big one coming on. Something that is really going to shake people to the core. How about them? (Satan points to us) I bet I can get them on my team. There is no way they are going to make it through this still believing in your Goodness. They will cave when the pain gets to be unbearable.
G: (Shaking His head) If you must, then I will allow this to happen to them. They will not come over to you. I can promise you that.
S: Wanna bet? This is going to be bad, really bad!
G: (Knowing the pain that Satan is able to inflict) I'm sure it will be, but I know them - they are my children and they are strong. I know they will not falter.
S: Alright then (smiles, rubbing his hands together in a sinister way).
Then, I picture God with tears streaming down His face, watching as the truck pinned Rich onto the tailgate of Dan's truck. Watching the blood stream out of him. Watching the chaos that happened on the road that night.
I picture God bringing His angels and the chariots fighting to keep Rich alive while the Devil smiles down at his masterpiece. I picture God sending the helicopter, I picture him getting the E.R. ready - whispering a pep talk to the doctors and nurses. I picture His hands guiding their hands. I picture His hands on Rich's chest, keeping his heart beating.
I picture Him breathing life into my husband.
So now, when I ask God, "Where were you?" I know that He was there with His chariots and angels fighting and fighting and fighting. And when I think, "But you must have lost the battle then?"
He says, "No, no I didn't. We lost Rich's legs, yes, but I fought for your souls. And I won."
You are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteGiovanna
Thank you for putting that into words. God is always there. We just have to look past Satan, who often tries to get the best of us. Wishing your family a wonderful holiday and a blessed new year.
ReplyDeleteYou are right on. I have fought this very same issue since the people came to the door and said Hessto didn't make it: WHY!??? Why??? Was I THAT BAD??? And then I realize just what you so appropriately wrote here! God is still with us all it is WE who have to change how we think. He is still holding each and every one of us every single day in the palm of His Hand. Have a very warm Xmas and remember, always, the reason for the season! Love, Ma Allen.
ReplyDeleteI really, really, REALLY, needed to read this today. I have been struggling with anger issues for many weeks now - to the point where it felt like it was eating me from the inside out. This has started to put my feelings in perspective. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteYou put into words everything I felt when I lost my mother. You have such a gift with words that reach right in to the heart of people's souls. God has you encircled in his arms. He knows we're not perfect here on earth,but he loves us anyway. How awesome is that! I love you Autumn and family.
ReplyDeleteAutumn,
ReplyDeleteMy daughter, Aimee, has kept me posted on your family's progress over the past year but this is the first time I've read your blog. Thank you for articulating the scenario between God and Satan so well. We had a devastating, unexplainable event in our family, too, and I only found peace when I read a commentary on the Book of Job that led me to the same conclusion. Amazing!
You have been--and continue to be--in our prayers. Have you considered compiling your posts into a book? God bless you as you continue to share from your heart and grow in God's love and grace.