Two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, I took a test. 

"Mama - what's this?" Annessa asked while waving the home pregnancy test around like a magic wand.
 "Don't, don't, don't!  Put it down!  That's a test to see if there is a baby in Mama's belly."
"Well, what does it say?"

I looked at the test for the fourth time - hey, maybe if I stared hard enough I could see that vertical line faintly appearing over the horizontal one....No such luck.

"It says, 'Not this time'" I saw the disappointment in her eyes.  The same disappointment I would see in Rich's eyes a few minutes later. 

"Well, then we have to pray," she said matter-of-factly as she knelt down and assumed the position. "God, the next time my mom takes a test, PLEASE let it say there is a baby in her belly.  Amen."

 I was ashamed and proud all at the same time.  Why wasn't my first response when I saw that the test was negative to pray?  Instead, my first response was, "Didn't think so - figures..." 

"Mom, why isn't God giving us our baby?"
"He will - He just needs to make sure it's the right time."
"I know!  Maybe He is making our baby right now!  Or maybe he is busy making babies for other people."

Brilliant.  Perfect.  Absolutely.  She just knows God's heart...

The next test I took was positive.

(P.S. I am due November 24th - we certainly will have a lot to be thankful for!)

Arm's Length

So - I'll just say it - I'm pregnant.  Pregnant! Pregnant? Pregnant.  At some point I will write all about Annessa predicting it, the crazy way I found out, and what I REALLY think about this baby.  But right now, all I can say is that I'm holding it at arm's length.  Which is so unlike me. 

I was talking to my mom about this yesterday (about the whole, "Yes, I'm pregnant, but let's just stop ourselves from talking names and nursery colors).  This whole attitude of caution is SOOO different than with Annessa.  With her, the thought of miscarriage never even crossed my mind.  Never.  But now....I am all too aware of bad things happening to good people. 

When I was explaining this fear to my mom, she said something that made total sense (as usual...).  "Maybe you're just protecting yourself.  Like you had to do when you didn't know if Rich was going to live or die." 
Yep - that's it.  That's exactly how I feel.  Cautious.  Unsure.  Preparing (for either possibility). 

The truth of the matter is that The Accident changed me.  It's made me aware that no one is immune to the evils that this world brings.  There is a part of me that is just waiting for the other shoe to drop because that would just be par for the course.  Maybe that sounds negative, but don't judge until you've been there.  That's totally how it feels. 

So, for now, I will hold onto that heartbeat that Rich and I heard, and try to get through the next two weeks until we can hear the heartbeat again.  I really am excited.  Just not naive.