Sidekicks

Excuse me while I brush the dust off of this blog. 

There - that's better.

Lately, I've been experiencing one of the most powerful phenomenons of my life: sisterhood.  I don't have a sister, so I never really knew what it was like to have another girl your age-ish in the house, experiencing life alongside you.  I had my theories - none of which even come close to what I see between my two girls.

No one can make Lainey light up as much as Annessa.  Lanes can just hear her voice and her arms start waving, her smile gets bigger and she scans the room, looking for her sister.

And, likewise, no one can make Annessa light up quite like Elaina.

They play. Annessa, literally dragging Elaina around the house and putting her in a pretend tiger cage, a bus (overturned stool), or pretending she is the babysitter and Elaina is the kid (that one is my personal favorite).

They read.  Annessa sitting on a chair, holding the book like her teacher and storytelling; Lainey, captivated.

They laugh.  Oh boy do they get each other laughing - in the car, in the tub, at the dinner table…..

All the while Rich and I look on and watch this magical bond being built right before our eyes.

(Now, this isn't to say there are no side effects to having a sister - one major side effect being she rifles through stuff you don't want her touching.  And, as they grow, I'm sure there will be lots of door slamming and huffy moments.  But this post is about the beauty of sisterhood, so we will leave the subtle realities for another day.)   

One of the best parts of this relationship is seeing a whole new side to Annessa.  She has taken on the role of a sister with flying colors - she is Lainey's playmate, protector, and friend.  No longer is she moving through life on her own, now she has a sister.  A sidekick.

As a mom, nothing makes me more happy than seeing my girls become each other's sidekicks.

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Elaina's 9 Month List

Dear Elaina,

There are some things about you that I don't want to forget:

*Whenever you are happy, you shimmy
*Your face lights up when your sister comes in the room.  In fact, you can be mid-cry, and if Annessa comes by you, you stop and smile.
*You are the most content little baby ever - you hardly cry or fuss
*You have the biggest, brightest smile
*You really have no interest in crawling - you are just happy to play with anything in your reach -- even if it's a piece of fuzz!
*You still sing yourself to sleep.....
*You love to snuggle with me at the end of the day
*You make me want to quit my job and stay home with you -- now that's an accomplishment!
*Daddy calls you "Bobble-head" because of your perfectly round face and the way you shimmy.
*You make Daddy want to have another baby -- you are THAT good!
*At nine months, you bring so much joy to our house.

You Are One Amazing Baby

Dear Elaina,

So, I just have to say that you are nothing short of amazing.  You are just the most chill baby I have ever seen (and you happen to be mine - how lucky am I?!).  Wherever we go, people comment on three things:

1) "Look at that smile!"

2) "She is so content/happy/mellow...(insert your own synonym for good here)." and

3) "Look at those cheeks!"

Last month, we took you to NYC, and you never cried - not once!  You were just so happy and observant.  You talk (da, da, da, da, - of course dad thinks you are talking about him) and (na, na, na, na, na - Naturally, Annessa believes this is your way of saying her name.) all the time and you still sing yourself to sleep.

Sleep -- that's one area I am screwing you up on.  With your sister, I was a hard-core sleep trainer.  But with you, we just snuggle and swing and rock and bounce until you fall asleep.  I think it's because Annessa taught me how fast this baby stage goes and I just want to squeeze every last bit out of it that I can.  

Annessa adores you (as do your dad and I).  You two already have a cute relationship.  She dances and sings and reads to you, and you just sit there - enthralled.  When she walks into the room, you just light up.  It is seriously the sweetest thing. She calls you "Lainy" and "Lainy-Bear".  Seeing the two of you together just melts me.  

I love you to the moon and back,

Mama

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

"Go ahead - buy that - you can totally afford it."

"I will train for that half marathon....Just as soon as the weather gets nice."

"I'm a really great cook....When I cook."

"I will finish that scrapbook BEFORE the baby turns one."

And, my personal favorite: "I could NEVER be a stay-at-home-mom.  I just don't know HOW they do it!"

Yep - I'm pretty sure that the last one was a big fat lie I kept repeating over and over until I *mostly* believed it.  If I convinced myself that I was one of those superhuman moms who could do it all - a career, a family, and a social life all without shortchanging anything, then I felt better about leaving my kid(s) with someone else all day.

But now, if I am brutally honest with myself, I know that I was making myself believe a lie.  Because in fact, I COULD be a stay-at-home-mom.  The last three months of my life were the happiest months I've ever had.  I felt more.....connected....to myself and everyone around me and to God.  Each day I drank in the wonders of my kids. I fell in love with them all throughout the day.

For me, going back to work has made me put up a barrier between me and my kids.  Isn't that awful?  It's the only way I can do it right now.  I tell myself things like,  "Millions of moms do this everyday - suck it up.  No crying.  Heart of steel," and all that jazz.

I know that by working, I am making a difference too - my girls will see a woman with a career that she loves.  They will know the importance of education and determination.  They will see me as a person outside the home.

Thank God I love my job.  I love the kids, my school, my co-workers.  I am happy when I am teaching.  I really am.  And thank God for our sitter who is amazing.  But it's when I stop to look at the clock and realize it's nap time and wonder if Elaina is being rocked to sleep right now that my heart hurts.  Or that it's 11:15 and Annessa is getting off the bus telling someone that is not me about her day at school.

Being a mom is hard - I don't care if you're a mom who works outside of the home or a S.A.H.M. - we all have to make choices about how to raise our kids, and sometimes those choices are not as clear-cut as we would like.

Anyway -- it's Sunday night and I have a lunch to pack and papers to grade.  And a beautiful little girl that is stirring quietly about to wake up and another little girl who needs some snuggle time.

Holy Crap

You wouldn't believe this moment if you saw it - I promise.  I know because I felt like it was either a dream or a nightmare - can't decide which one!

Let's start with the nightmare part:  We've all been there -- public place, baby, poop all the way up the back (threatening to touch the hairline if it hadn't been caught in just the nick of time).  Yep- disgusting.

We were in Madison at the Boston store when the explosion began.  I turned to my mom, who was trying on shoes, and said, "Better go - stinky here needs to be changed."  Sensing that this was gonna be good, daughter number one came along to join in the fun.

Somewhere between unpacking my poop-bomb and wondering if I have enough wipes, Annessa says, "Mom, was I ever baptized?  Payton had show-and-tell today, and she told us about her baptism."

Now,  about baptism.  I understand that it's a very sensitive subject for some people.  Rich and I do the whole "Believer's Baptism" where you choose to express your faith and obey God AFTER you have surrendered your life to Him and His will.  (After all, Jesus was baptized as an adult, as was everyone else in the Bible.  But I digress.....) If this is against everything you believe in, that's okay.  I understand.  Just keep reading.  It gets good, I promise.

 This was one of those moments I had imagined having with her in front of a fire or on a picnic or something dreamy like that.  But.  Of course. Reality doesn't work the way our minds picture it.  So.  I took a deep breath (of stinky air) and began to explain this to Annessa.

"Well, I believe in God mom.  Can I be baptized?"

"Hmmm....Do you know what sin is?"

"No."

"Sin is when we do something that we know is wrong, but we do it anyway.  We all sin.  Like everyday." I said, wondering if that was an acceptable answer for a five-year-old.  Suddenly all of the "churchy" people flashed before my eyes, and I hoped this explanation was biblically correct.

Now, let's not forget the poop.  Oh, the poop.  And while your at it, add some crying to that mental movie you have going on.

"So, in order to be baptized," I continued above the desperate cries from daughter number two to get me to stop holding her legs in air and wiping her back with a cold wipe.  I mean come on, doesn't everyone like the warm feeling of poop on their backs?  "You have to believe that God sent his son, Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. That means we can go to Heaven someday and be with God because Jesus helped us."

 Holy crap.  Literally.  I was preaching the gospel in the midst of what was quite possibly the worst crap Elaina had ever taken.

"I believe that mom.  I do."

Music to my ears.  My child confessing her faith to me... How blessed am I?  Seriously?

Now, is this something she really believes or does she "just" want to go through the pomp and circumstance of a baptism?  I kinda think it's a little of both.  Either way, it's moments like these that, as a mom, I know I was put on earth to have.  What could be better than sharing Jesus' love with your child?

 Expect maybe if it didn't involve a boat load of crap.  

The Second Time Around

My baby is two months old today.  Two months.  My maternity leave will be ending soon and as I compare it to Annessa's, it's 180 degrees different.

With Annessa I was unsure about my ability to be a mom (unsure is putting it lightly).  My need to do it "perfectly" stood in the way of bonding with my newborn.  I remember doing silly things like sticking a thermomitor into her bath water to make sure it was the exact degree that the all-mighty internet told me it should be.  I ran a tight ship - all feedings were exactly 3 hours apart; then 4 hours apart.  There was a lot of bouncing and pacifying to achieve this perfect schedule.  This schedule was my pathway to sleeping through the night - nothing - not even a trip to the mall would cause me to veer from these internet-ordained feeding times.  Good bedtime habits start early, you know.  Ha! I wish my 27 year old self could see my first daughter's bedtime habits now -- she would be mortified.

But this time....this time is sooo much different.  I feel more confident (ironic how feeling more confident as a mom means KNOWING that you will screw up and being okay with that).  There was no insecurity that stood in the way of bonding with Elaina.  I finally understand it when people say, "I feel in love with her the moment I saw her." Now, this isn't to say that I didn't feel love for Annessa right away -- I did.  It's just that the "Holy-shit-I'm-a-mom" factor clouded all that love until I got my head out of my a$$. As a dear friend advised, I started to take my cues from my baby instead of  baby books written by people I didn't know about babies that were off in some far away land living perfect little baby lives.  Come to think of it, I have know idea where those baby books I read so religiously the first time are at the moment....

The first time around, I felt like I was playing the part of being a mom.  Washing the bottles, changing diapers, giving baths, and, oh yeah, dressing her up like she was my little doll.  I'm not sure when the role-plahying stopped and I settled into my new title of mom, but I think it was somewhere around her first smile....I remember that moment so vividly (which is a triumph for me as Rich would tell you that I have the memory of a goldfish).  She had me at the smile.

With Elaina, our lives were already altered.  She slipped right into our Friday nights at home.  Our family bed (I know, I know...NOT what I planned, but it is what it is.  Refer to earlier posts for very rational explanations of why this thing I said I would "NEVER do" happened.  Next thing you know I will be rollin' around town in a people carrier.)

This time around, I even love her cry.  I know, pathetic, but true.  And you know what I love the most?  Seeing my two greatest accomplishments love each other.