Waiting

Can there be joy while you're waiting?

Rich and I have been trying to have another baby for some time now. It is turning out to be more difficult than the first time (and the first time wasn't a walk in the park). In fact, we were just told that the next step is to do an IUI. The lining of my uterus is low, very low. They are telling me that the egg is probably getting fertilized each month, but either is unable to implant, or it implants, and then miscarries (all the while I think I'm getting a late "visit" from "Aunt Flow"). For a person who believes that live happens at the time of conception, that was tough news to swallow.

Long story short, we need to take this month "off" - no drugs, no shots, no ultrasounds, no nothing. Just wait. Wait to try again, wait to pee on a stick (or ten), wait to see if there is one line or two....wait. Do I even know how to step back into the "normal" world right now when I am so used to going through these "mini-grieving" cycles each month?

Yesterday I was so disappointed - it starts to become a quest in a way. And I was told by the powers-that-be that my body needed a rest. My head was screaming no, but in my heart, I knew it was for the best.

So, now I will wait. But while I wait, I will be focusing on the two people I love most in this world - Rich and Annessa. How can I be sad during my baby's first Christams (okay, so it's technically her third Christmas, but this one she actually knows what Santa says and she knows about baby Jesus). How can I be sad when this is the month that marks the Biggest Gift I have ever received? How can I be sad when Rich is so excited to give me the present we swore we we not doing this year?

No, saddness is out - joy is in. And someday, I will look back on this and it will all make sense.